Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
oh you wanna fight?!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.