Me buying fruit and veg
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My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?