[montage of me giving-up]
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
my first day as a raccoon
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.