Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story