[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes