I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
No Google it does not
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey