Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
You Might Also Like
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
This line from Airplane.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another