How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
You Might Also Like
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon