I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
time for some seasonal decor
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive