Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My what?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?