*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.