8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Hello Twits.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…