I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail