*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own