This January has 47 Mondays
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.