“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
my mom making me talk to relatives
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.