Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If only.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Jokes on them. I took 10.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.