I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*