[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
You Might Also Like
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore