Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You Might Also Like
A leaf blower, but for people.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Stop being racist to kettles.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
This bar smells like my childhood.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching