PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Children of the corn 🌽
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I think this should do it.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.