I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
blocked.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;