“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
bout dat hot dog summer
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮