A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
You Might Also Like
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Ron is short for Aaronald
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes