Mornin
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
opening twitter today
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it