therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.