Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I would like even faster food.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”