Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists