You Might Also Like
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.