Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Don’t touch that.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The only equipped I am is ill.