Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Worth the read.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.