met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week