Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.