HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.