I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
You Might Also Like
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?