Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.