him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?