How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You Might Also Like
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Breaking news:
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready