me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Strangers have the best candy.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
They also CAN sing✌️
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.