“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
You Might Also Like
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.