Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for