My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[montage of me giving-up]
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.