“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Go hard or stay average
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.