If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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Me, flirting😏
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die