Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.