Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens