H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Art by Pastelkatto
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.