Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”