I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
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For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”