“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.